Post-New Years 2020 Power Rankings

MFP Published December 27, 2019
Bernie

  • Electability7
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 3
  • One minute, this dude was having a heart attack. Next thing I know:

    And now Bernie’s leading Iowa.

    And if Bernie wins Iowa, then he wins New Hampshire, and if he wins Iowa and New Hampshire, then he wins Nevada, and if he wins Iowa, New Hampshire, and Nevada– then wins Super Tuesday and the nomination.

    Joe Biden

  • Electability8
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 8
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 6
  • It’s not that Joe Biden, Mayor Pete, and Michael Bloomberg have the exact same base?? But they overlap just enough to give progressives the edge in the primary.

    Elizabeth Warren

  • Electability5
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 4
  • Interview 6
  • Likability 1
  • Scandals 4
  • True to the stereotype, Warren has proven she cannot withstand national scrutiny. Every single time she’s encountered adversity, including:

    • Pocahontas
    • Medicare For All
    • Pocahontas Again
    • Donor hypocrisy

    Each time, she has wilted. She simply does not have the makeup (aggression, shamelessness, etc.) to compete at this level.

    Mayor Pete

  • Electability9
  • Fundraising 6
  • Look 6
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 9
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 8
  • Pete Buttigieg is running a state-of-the-art campaign circa 1996.

    Like seriously, if there was no social media, Team Pete’s cynical tactics would be super successful. It’s just that the goddamn internetz keeps ruining everything!

    Andrew Yang

  • Electability8
  • Fundraising 5
  • Look 1
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 1
  • The frontrunners are all in their 70’s. Yang could probably make a serious push in Iowa or New Hampshire if he was so inclined.

    Instead, he’s “campaigning” in places like California, Oregon, and Philadelphia. Yang’s actions suggest his ultimate goal is to sell a bunch of books and start a podcast.

    Cory Booker

  • Electability6
  • Fundraising 5
  • Look 7
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 7
  • Scandals 5
  • Cory is desperate to distance himself from his anti-union, pro-charter school, big donor sellout reputation by ramping up his anti-Trump rhetoric.

    But then Big Pharma called…

    To be fair, not even Trump can stand up to pharma lobbyists.

    Castro Bros. Imagine that mug on Iowa mailers?? Buena suerte, mi amigo!
    Amy Klasdfochar No.

    With the failure to repeal Obamacare (which the Reich’s poor, uneducated supporters disproportionately rely on), Trump’s odds of reerection have risen to 66.6%.

    For the record, MFP has an 89.4% accuracy rate.

    Green New Deal

    MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

    The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

    Read More
    Would Smash

    If Vladimir Putin had sent her instead, she'd be the First Lady by now

    What was the GRU thinking?? I feel like Maria Butina would have a hard time placing in a Dagestanian beauty pageant.

    Read More
    Green New Deal

    MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

    The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

    Read More
    THIS IS AWKWARD

    Asians and Jews do better than Blacks at the SAME “failing” schools

    I know what you're thinking, but it's not that either.

    Low-Information Voters

    Tucker Carlson:
    Tea Party conservatives are “morons”

    Each night, Tucker Carlson trolls liberal elites with his plucky yet affable demeanor. But this character was only written 3 years ago by the legendary Roger Ailes.

    Mark Levin suddenly doesn't have a problem with the President
    playing golf.

    “He’s hooked on golf like drug addicts are hooked on drugs…he used to do pot, he used to do coke, now he does golf!”

    Read More

    Alex Jones reveals: Sandy Hook massacre was “completely fake with actors”

    Alex Jones insists
    he didn’t promote Pizzagate, but here’s his deleted video

    Would Marry

    The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

    This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

    Read More

    Bwahahaha!
    Rand Paul Totally Betrays Libertarians

    Since Trump's erection, fmr. libertarian Rand Paul has shamelessly flip-flopped on issues including Executive Orders, Executive Powers, Immigration, and much more!

    Read More
    Would Marry

    The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

    This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

    Read More
    Emergency Fap Check

    Wait, Is Sarah McDaniel Actually The Hottest Smart Chick On Earth??

    Earlier this year, MFP declared Emma Dumont "the most beautiful smart woman on Earth". But reader Nate recently urged MFP to reconsider.

    Read More
    Would Smash

    BREAKING:
    The 2 Cutest Girls at Purdue are Republican!

    According to MFP's research, this is the 1st time this has ever happened!

    Read More
    Bwahahahaha!

    Watch: GOP strategerist Gianno Caldwell CRIES like a baby!!!

    Tough guy sellout Gianno Caldwell cries when Trump finally goes after him!

    Read More
    The Cuckening

    Wow, Jordan Peterson got cucked!

    Jordan Peterson is a dumb person’s idea of what a smart person is like. He’s made a fortune off making retards feel smart by parroting his pseudointellectual “common sense”.

    Read More
    * Votes are irreversable and legally binding.
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links

    Washington Post reporter Ashley Parker wears ties and I hate it

    Fap Check

    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s

    Bwahahaha: Preschool teacher-looking lady is high-ranking Navy official

    Do you even UFC bro?

    UFC champ Michael Bisping: Confederate flag people are “assholes”

    Would Smash

    US chess champion named “Nazi”, would ya?