October 2020 Power Rankings

King of the Jews Published October 14, 2019
Elizabeth Warren

  • Electability5
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 4
  • Interview 6
  • Likability 1
  • Scandals 4
  • I gave Elizabeth Warren little chance to win the Democratic nomination. Nevertheless, she persisted.

    No but like seriously?? Democrats are going to nominate another easily-demonized, socially-awkward 70-year-old white lady to run against Trump?? Is this really happening??

    In my defense, I could not have foreseen that Joe Biden would jump into the race and drown out younger, more appealing moderates– or that Bernie Sanders would have a fucking heart attack.

    Joe Biden

  • Electability8
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 8
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 6
  • If you think of the primary like a military campaign, Biden’s predicament is this:

    Biden needs an orderly retreat from Iowa, New Hampshire, and Nevada so that he can regroup at his stronghold of South Carolina. A win there could carry him to a decisive victory on Super Tuesday.

    The danger is that his troops will desert him in February, as he suffers 3 humiliating losses over the course of 3 miserable weeks.

    Bernie

  • Electability7
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 3
  • Bernie has 2 structural issues that seem increasingly insurmountable:

    • (1) He’s been too persuasive. His once-fringe ideas have become mainstream Democrat values. Younger, better-looking candidates have co-opted his message.
    • (2) In 2016, Hillary took the slings and arrows. This time around, Bernie will be subjected to the kind of scrutiny normally reserved for frontrunners.
    Kamala Harris

  • Electability5
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 5
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 5
  • Scandals 6
  • Kamala’s presidential aspirations are over, but her odds of VP are 50/50 due to her gender, ethnicity, and establishment bonafides.

    • If Joe Biden wins – Kamala VP is 90%
    • If Bernie wins – Kamala VP is 90%
    • If Warren wins – Kamala VP is 10%
    • If Beto/Yang/Buttigieg or some other darkhorse wins – Kamala VP is 50%
    Beto

  • Electability8
  • Fundraising 5
  • Look 9
  • Speech 9
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 3
  • Iowa often breaks late, but Beto panicked.

    In a desperate attempt to draw attention to his campaign, Beto embraced every wacky idea from gun confiscation to reparations.

    He would have been better served positioning himself as the non-elderly, never-racist, more progressive Joe Biden.

    Mayor Pete

  • Electability9
  • Fundraising 6
  • Look 6
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 9
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 8
  • Buttigieg’s presidential aspirations are over.

    For one thing, African-Americans hate him because he ceded control of the South Bend police department to the KKK– that’s impossible to overcome in a Democrat primary, particularly so when Warren and Sanders have the white vote locked up.

    But on the bright side, he still has a 10% chance of being VP and a 100% of getting a cushy cable news contributor if he wants it.

    Andrew Yang

  • Electability8
  • Fundraising 5
  • Look 1
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 1
  • The frontrunners are all in their 70’s. Yang could probably make a serious push in Iowa or New Hampshire if he was so inclined.

    Instead, he’s “campaigning” in places like California, Oregon, and Philadelphia. Yang’s actions suggest his ultimate goal is to sell a bunch of books and start a podcast.

    Cory Booker

  • Electability6
  • Fundraising 5
  • Look 7
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 7
  • Scandals 5
  • Cory is desperate to distance himself from his anti-union, pro-charter school, big donor sellout reputation by ramping up his anti-Trump rhetoric.

    But then Big Pharma called…

    To be fair, not even Trump can stand up to pharma lobbyists.

    Castro Bros. Imagine that mug on Iowa mailers?? Buena suerte, mi amigo!
    Amy Klasdfochar No.

    With the failure to repeal Obamacare (which the Reich’s poor, uneducated supporters disproportionately rely on), Trump’s odds of reerection have risen to 66.6%.

    For the record, MFP has an 89.4% accuracy rate.

    Green New Deal

    MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

    The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

    Read More
    Would Smash

    If Vladimir Putin had sent her instead, she'd be the First Lady by now

    What was the GRU thinking?? I feel like Maria Butina would have a hard time placing in a Dagestanian beauty pageant.

    Read More
    Green New Deal

    MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

    The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

    Read More
    THIS IS AWKWARD

    Asians and Jews do better than Blacks at the SAME “failing” schools

    I know what you're thinking, but it's not that either.

    Low-Information Voters

    Tucker Carlson:
    Tea Party conservatives are “morons”

    Each night, Tucker Carlson trolls liberal elites with his plucky yet affable demeanor. But this character was only written 3 years ago by the legendary Roger Ailes.

    Mark Levin suddenly doesn't have a problem with the President
    playing golf.

    “He’s hooked on golf like drug addicts are hooked on drugs…he used to do pot, he used to do coke, now he does golf!”

    Read More

    Alex Jones reveals: Sandy Hook massacre was “completely fake with actors”

    Alex Jones insists
    he didn’t promote Pizzagate, but here’s his deleted video

    Would Marry

    The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

    This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

    Read More

    Bwahahaha!
    Rand Paul Totally Betrays Libertarians

    Since Trump's erection, fmr. libertarian Rand Paul has shamelessly flip-flopped on issues including Executive Orders, Executive Powers, Immigration, and much more!

    Read More
    Would Marry

    The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

    This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

    Read More
    Emergency Fap Check

    Wait, Is Sarah McDaniel Actually The Hottest Smart Chick On Earth??

    Earlier this year, MFP declared Emma Dumont "the most beautiful smart woman on Earth". But reader Nate recently urged MFP to reconsider.

    Read More
    Would Smash

    BREAKING:
    The 2 Cutest Girls at Purdue are Republican!

    According to MFP's research, this is the 1st time this has ever happened!

    Read More
    Bwahahahaha!

    Watch: GOP strategerist Gianno Caldwell CRIES like a baby!!!

    Tough guy sellout Gianno Caldwell cries when Trump finally goes after him!

    Read More
    The Cuckening

    Wow, Jordan Peterson got cucked!

    Jordan Peterson is a dumb person’s idea of what a smart person is like. He’s made a fortune off making retards feel smart by parroting his pseudointellectual “common sense”.

    Read More
    * Votes are irreversable and legally binding.
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links
    Would Smash

    Theresa May’s cute ginger staffer

    Would Smash

    Sasha Grey voted for Bernie Sanders in CA primary

    It was hot when Megyn Kelly touched Kellyanne Conway

    Would Smash

    Fox News Hair & Make-up turns Kat Timpf from a 5 to a 9-ish

    Would Smash

    Life Lesson: Maria Katasonova, the hot Russian chick that hates Hillary