2020 Power Rankings: Buy or Sell Edition

Musha Hadeen Published May 22, 2019

For the record, MFP has an 89.4% accuracy rate.

Beto

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 9
  • Speech 8
  • Interview 9
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 3
  • I called it in March 2019:

    Beto O’Rourke is still the frontrunner– not because he’s the best candidate, but because he will be in about 6 months…[sports analogy] Beto O’Rourke will start the season making a ton of turnovers but finish the season as clearly the best player.

    By September-ish, bored pundits desperate for a new angle will be labeling Beto “the comeback kid”.

    BUY!

    Joe Biden

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 8
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 6
  • The analytics say Joe is the prohibitive frontrunner.

    But the man-alytics tell us Joe’s lead is tenuous at best.

    After a brutal summer and a grueling fall campaign– 76-year-old Joe Biden will be running on fumes by January.

    SELL!

    Bernie

  • Communism 9
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 3
  • Bernie’s problem is that he’s been too persuasive.

    His once-fringe ideas have become mainstream Democrat values– and younger, better-looking candidates have co-opted his message.

    But on the bright side, at least Bernie doesn’t have to worry about Debbie Wasserman Schultz anymore.

    JUST LEAVE IT ALONE

    Kamala Harris

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 8
  • Look 5
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 6
  • Here’s the thing.

    Kamala will start the primary 0-2 (she cannot win IA or NH due to a number of factors I won’t get into here). Therefore, her entire campaign rests on whether or not she can win South Carolina coming off 2 losses in a row. And even if she does win SC, that only keeps her alive until Super Tuesday, where she faces long odds yet again.

    It’s not impossible, but it is an abnormally narrow path for what is perceived to be a top-tier candidate.

    SELL!

    Mayor Pete

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 3
  • Look 5
  • Speech 5
  • Interview 9
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 1
  • Mayor Pete’s candidacy is fascinating because it perfectly illustrates the changing tastes of America.

    In the past, he would have been stuffed in a locker. But today, he’s one of the more well-liked candidates in the country.

    It’s kinda like how America used to prefer women that looked like this:

    But now we want them to look like this:

    BUY

    Elizabeth Warren

  • Communism 10
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 4
  • Interview 6
  • Likability 3
  • Scandals 4
  • I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW.

    If Americans have to choose between:

    • (A) A literal evil Nazi like Trump (except that Trump is inefficient and far below avg. Aryan/Ashkenazi/Japanese intelligence).
    • (B) A nagging kindergarten teacher slash tyrannical PTA lady like Warren

    Invest in the brownshirt and armband business because they’re going to be flying off the shelves.

    It is perhaps unfortunate, but men are evolutionarily predisposed to hate nagging women (unless they are extremely hot and between the ages of 18-24 (and by 18-24, I mean 17 in some state to 24))– and even then, it’s borderline intolerable.

    SELL!

    Cory Booker

  • Communism 5
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 7
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 7
  • Scandals 5
  • Here’s the thing.

    Cory Booker is the guy that a girl goes out w/ like 8 times?? Because he seems like she should like him? And she tries to like him? But she never actually fucks him because she’s just not into it for whatever reason.

    Sure, Cory Booker is perhaps too moderate and too in bed w/ big pharma for the Democrat erectorate– but the bigger, more insurmountable hurdle is that voters just don’t like him like that.

    SELL!

    Kirsten Gillibrand

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look ?
  • Speech 5
  • Interview 9
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 2
  • At her best, Kirsten is charming, likable, and an excellent communicator…

    Unfortunately, she is cursed w/ recurring obesity that makes her look like an elementary school cafeteria lady ~50% of the time.

    SELL!

    Andrew Yang

  • Communism 5
  • Fundraising 3
  • Look 1
  • Speech 3
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 2
  • Andrew Yang’s candidacy is fascinating because it perfectly illustrates the changing tastes of America.

    In the past, he would have been stuffed in a locker. But today, he’s one of the more well-liked candidates in the country.

    It’s kinda like how America used to prefer women that looked like this:

    But now we want them to look like this:

    BUY?

    Castro Bros. Imagine that mug on Iowa mailers?? Buena suerte, mi amigo!

    SELL SELL SELL

    Gavin Newsom

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 9
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 4
  • Scandals 9
  • Newsom insists he’s definitely most likely 100% probably not running:

    Also, if half-naked, terrified young women in ragged clothing held in captivity for decades escaped from a hidden dungeon in one of Newsom’s mansions– would you really be that surprised??

    Given the seemingly ever-present threat of scandal, maybe he’s smart to sit out this cycle.

    SELL!

    Amy Klasdfochar This is a weird phenomenon.

    Inside certain Democrat echo chambers, Amy Klsdfakhbchgar is seen as a highly credible leader and erectable Democrat.

    But no one else outside those echo chambers can even begin to fathom what in the actual fuck they are talking about?? Are you serious?????

    It’s like this shit:

    SELL SELL SELL!

    w/ the failure to repeal Obamacare (which the Reich’s poor, uneducated supporters disproportionately rely on), Trump’s odds of reerection have risen to 66.6%.

    Green New Deal

    MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

    The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

    Read More
    Would Smash

    If Vladimir Putin had sent her instead, she'd be the First Lady by now

    What was the GRU thinking?? I feel like Maria Butina would have a hard time placing in a Dagestanian beauty pageant.

    Read More
    Green New Deal

    MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

    The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

    Read More
    THIS IS AWKWARD

    Asians and Jews do better than Blacks at the SAME “failing” schools

    I know what you're thinking, but it's not that either.

    Low-Information Voters

    Tucker Carlson: Tea Party conservatives are “morons”

    Each night, Tucker Carlson trolls liberal elites with his plucky yet affable demeanor. But this character was only written 3 years ago by the legendary Roger Ailes.

    Mark Levin suddenly doesn't have a problem with the President
    playing golf.

    “He’s hooked on golf like drug addicts are hooked on drugs…he used to do pot, he used to do coke, now he does golf!”

    Read More

    Alex Jones reveals: Sandy Hook massacre was “completely fake with actors”

    Alex Jones insists
    he didn’t promote Pizzagate, but here’s his deleted video

    Would Marry

    The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

    This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

    Read More

    Bwahahaha!
    Rand Paul Totally Betrays Libertarians

    Since Trump's erection, fmr. libertarian Rand Paul has shamelessly flip-flopped on issues including Executive Orders, Executive Powers, Immigration, and much more!

    Read More
    Would Marry

    The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

    This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

    Read More
    Emergency Fap Check

    Wait, Is Sarah McDaniel Actually The Hottest Smart Chick On Earth??

    Earlier this year, MFP declared Emma Dumont "the most beautiful smart woman on Earth". But reader Nate recently urged MFP to reconsider.

    Read More
    Would Smash

    BREAKING:
    The 2 Cutest Girls at Purdue are Republican!

    According to MFP's research, this is the 1st time this has ever happened!

    Read More
    Bwahahahaha!

    Watch: GOP strategerist Gianno Caldwell CRIES like a baby!!!

    Tough guy sellout Gianno Caldwell cries when Trump finally goes after him!

    Read More
    The Cuckening

    Wow, Jordan Peterson got cucked!

    Jordan Peterson is a dumb person’s idea of what a smart person is like. He’s made a fortune off making retards feel smart by parroting his pseudointellectual “common sense”.

    Read More
    * Votes are irreversable and legally binding.
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links

    Would Smash

    Trashy reporter Colleen Campbell, would ya?

    Would Smash

    Feminazi Caroline Heldman is such a MILF

    Do you even UFC bro?

    MFP reports from the Republican National Cuckvention

    Adam Carolla only showers twice a week: “Don’t use shampoo, don’t use conditioner”

    The Regime

    Gavin Newsom’s wife dances to 2Pac’s “California Love”