Post-Mueller Report 2020 Power Rankings

Musha Hadeen Published March 31, 2019

See, I told you so.

If Beto O’Rourke waited until the summer to announce his candidacy– by then, many of the obstacles to his nomination would have taken care of themselves:

  • Joe Biden – As the frontrunner and target of Bernie Bros., Biden would be drowning in gaffes and scandal (he still might).
  • Bernie Sanders – Would DL feuding w/ Warren.
  • Elizabeth Warren – Would DL feuding w/ Bernie.
  • Mayor Pete, Andrew Yang, etc. – Would be in the final stages of being Herman Cain-ized by snarky reporters.
  • Iowa – Would be sick of the current crop candidates, and clamoring for an alternative (they do this every cycle).

Beto could have waltzed in at the last minute to adoring crowds, the lavish praise and undivided attention of bored reporters, and enjoying hundreds of millions in free earned media.

Unfortunately, Beto’s money-grubbing strategerists– hungry to rip off his naive donor base– convinced him to “jump in before it’s too late”!

Sucker.

Post-New Year’s Power Rankings

Beto

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 9
  • Speech 8
  • Interview 9
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 3
  • Beto has 100% name ID and approaching universal favorability among the Democrat activists that will decide the Iowa caucuses– and if he wins Iowa, it’s a wrap.

    There is, however, a legitimate concern that Beto is too nice to win a general erection. To those critics, I would say never underestimate Americans’ propensity to erect presidents that are the polar opposites of their predecessors.

    Bernie

  • Communism 9
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 3
  • Bernie has 2 problems:

    • (1) He’s been too persuasive. His once-fringe ideas have become mainstream Democrat values. Younger, better-looking candidates have co-opted his message.
    • (2) In 2016, Hillary took the slings and arrows. This time around, Bernie will be subjected to the kind of scrutiny reserved for frontrunners.

    But on the bright side, Bernie doesn’t have to worry about Debbie Wasserman Schultz anymore.

    Joe Biden

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 8
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 6
  • This is a zombie candidacy.

    The women, the gaffes, and his (by 2020 standards) conservative record means the only question is:

    Where does Biden’s support go when he inevitably drops out?

    I guess-timate:

    • 40% Beto
    • 40% Kamala
    • 10% Trump
    • 10% Other
    Kamala Harris

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 8
  • Look 5
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 6
  • I have been impressed by Kamala’s ability to convincingly approximate human emotion, and perfectly capturing the broad sentiment of normal, well-adjusted Americans of average intelligence or above:

    However, I remain deeply skeptical of the efficacy of her black gramma Oprah schtick in the context of detailed scrutiny of her history with Willie Brown and the AG’s office.

    Elizabeth Warren

  • Communism 10
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 4
  • Interview 6
  • Likability 3
  • Scandals 4
  • I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW.

    If I have to choose between:

    • (A) A literal evil Nazi like Trump (except that Trump is inefficient and far below avg. Aryan/Ashkenazi/Japanese intelligence).
    • (B) A nagging kindergarten teacher slash tyrannical PTA lady like Warren

    Get my brownshirt and armband because there is no fucking way I’m voting for Warren.

    Sorry, but I am evolutionarily predisposed to hate nagging women (unless they are extremely hot and between the ages of 18-24 (and by 18-24, I mean 17 in some states-24))– and even then, it’s borderline intolerable.

    Cory Booker

  • Communism 5
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 7
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 7
  • Scandals 5
  • Cory is desperate to distance himself from his anti-union, pro-charter school, big donor sellout reputation by ramping up his anti-Trump rhetoric.

    But then Big Pharma called…

    To be fair, not even Trump can stand up to pharma lobbyists.

    Mayor Pete

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 3
  • Look 5
  • Speech 5
  • Interview 9
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 1
  • Mayor Pete’s candidacy is fascinating because it perfectly illustrates the changing tastes of Americans:

    In the past, he would have been stuffed in a locker. But today, he’s one of the most well-liked candidates in the race– across the political spectrum.

    It’s kinda like how America used to prefer women that looked like this:

    But now we want them to look like this:

    Gavin Newsom

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 9
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 4
  • Scandals 9
  • Newsom insists he’s definitely most likely 100% probably not running:

    Also, if half-naked, terrified young women in ragged clothing held in captivity for decades escaped from a hidden dungeon in one of Newsom’s mansions– would you really be that surprised??

    Given the seemingly ever-present threat of scandal, maybe he’s smart to sit out this cycle.

    Kirsten Gillibrand

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look ?
  • Speech 5
  • Interview 9
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 2
  • At her best, Kirsten is charming, likable, and an excellent communicator…

    Unfortunately, she is cursed with recurring obesity that makes her look like an elementary school cafeteria lady ~50% of the time.

    Sad!

    Andrew Yang

  • Communism 5
  • Fundraising 3
  • Look 1
  • Speech 3
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 2
  • Andrew Yang’s candidacy is fascinating because it perfectly illustrates the changing tastes of Americans:

    In the past, he would have been stuffed in a locker. But today, he’s one of the most well-liked candidates in the race– across the political spectrum.

    It’s kinda like how America used to prefer women that looked like this:

    But now we want them to look like this:

    Andrew Cuomo

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 8
  • Look 7
  • Speech 6
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 0
  • Scandals 8
  • Cuomo is only up here because he’s a big name from a big state that can raise a lot of money.

    But let’s think this through: A scandal-ridden, anti-gun New York governor and a primary calendar that starts in Iowa, then New Hampshire, then swings through the South, and then swings through the Midwest??

    We don’t even get to Cuomo-friendly states– to the extent there are any– until Mid-March and April!

    No chance.

    Adam Schiff

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 4
  • Look 1
  • Speech 3
  • Interview 6
  • Likability 2
  • Scandals 3
  • As the ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee investigating Russia, Adam can get on cable news whenever the fuck he wants.

    That’s the good news.

    The bad news is that he looks like a weasel.

    It’s not fair, it’s not right, but much like Carly ’16— the more people are exposed to Schiff’s face, the less they will like him.

    Castro Bros. Imagine that mug on Iowa mailers?? Buena suerte, mi amigo!
    Xavier Becerra He’s like a Hispanic Mike Pence…

    Who spells “Javier” with an “X”, anyway??

    GTFO.

    Amy Klasdfochar No.
    Deval Patrick No.

    With the failure to repeal Obamacare (which the Reich’s poor, uneducated supporters disproportionately rely on), Trump’s odds of reerection have risen to 66.6%.

    For the record, MFP has an 89.4% accuracy rate.

    Green New Deal

    MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

    The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

    Read More
    Would Smash

    If Vladimir Putin had sent her instead, she'd be the First Lady by now

    What was the GRU thinking?? I feel like Maria Butina would have a hard time placing in a Dagestanian beauty pageant.

    Read More
    Green New Deal

    MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

    The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

    Read More
    THIS IS AWKWARD

    Asians and Jews do better than Blacks at the SAME “failing” schools

    I know what you're thinking, but it's not that either.

    Low-Information Voters

    Tucker Carlson: Tea Party conservatives are “morons”

    Each night, Tucker Carlson trolls liberal elites with his plucky yet affable demeanor. But this character was only written 3 years ago by the legendary Roger Ailes.

    Mark Levin suddenly doesn't have a problem with the President
    playing golf.

    “He’s hooked on golf like drug addicts are hooked on drugs…he used to do pot, he used to do coke, now he does golf!”

    Read More

    Alex Jones reveals: Sandy Hook massacre was “completely fake with actors”

    Alex Jones insists
    he didn’t promote Pizzagate, but here’s his deleted video

    Would Marry

    The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

    This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

    Read More

    Bwahahaha!
    Rand Paul Totally Betrays Libertarians

    Since Trump's erection, fmr. libertarian Rand Paul has shamelessly flip-flopped on issues including Executive Orders, Executive Powers, Immigration, and much more!

    Read More
    Would Marry

    The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

    This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

    Read More
    Emergency Fap Check

    Wait, Is Sarah McDaniel Actually The Hottest Smart Chick On Earth??

    Earlier this year, MFP declared Emma Dumont "the most beautiful smart woman on Earth". But reader Nate recently urged MFP to reconsider.

    Read More
    Would Smash

    BREAKING:
    The 2 Cutest Girls at Purdue are Republican!

    According to MFP's research, this is the 1st time this has ever happened!

    Read More
    Bwahahahaha!

    Watch: GOP strategerist Gianno Caldwell CRIES like a baby!!!

    Tough guy sellout Gianno Caldwell cries when Trump finally goes after him!

    Read More
    The Cuckening

    Wow, Jordan Peterson got cucked!

    Jordan Peterson is a dumb person’s idea of what a smart person is like. He’s made a fortune off making retards feel smart by parroting his pseudointellectual “common sense”.

    Read More
    * Votes are irreversable and legally binding.
    FYI
    Actually, terrorism was so much worse in the 1980’s We live in a veritable Utopian paradise compared to the violence of the past.
    Contrary to the ratings-driven cable news narrative-- which has a financial stake in frightening elderly, low-information voters-- there are fewer terrorist incidents today than any time since the advent of modern terrorism. Read more »
    Links

    Michael Savage: Mark Levin shouts to compensate for his “woman’s voice”

    It was hot when Megyn Kelly touched Kellyanne Conway

    Erection 2020

    These 2 reporters are stupid bitches

    Good Times

    How Ted Cruz and Rand Paul became bitter frenemies

    This was pretty cool, dammit