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MFP accurately reax to Trump’s Oval Office address

MFP & co. Published January 8, 2019

Trump gave his first Oval Office address on Tuesday, in hopes of drumming up support for his proposed 1,500 mile-long impenetrable southern border wall and/or “artistically designed slats”.

The terms of the eventual compromise ending the government shutdown and related matters are discussed below.

The Ladder Thing
MFP implores readers to claim otherwise, but just between you and me: Of course walls work!

At a certain point, a ladder isn’t going to cut it. Starting at around ~55 feet, scaling a wall that high becomes a major pain in the ass.

One would have to:

  • (1) Inconspicuously haul a 55 ft., 180 lb. ladder across the desert.
  • (2) Get to the top of the wall.
  • (3) Somehow, place the ladder securely on the other side of the wall.
  • (4) Hope the ladder doesn’t fall over, leaving you and your children stranded atop the wall to die.

These obstacles would undoubtedly have some deterrent effect. An even taller wall, more so. A shorter wall, less.

But what about underground tunnels?
You can’t just build a tunnel in the hot-ass desert willy-nilly. It takes considerable manpower and equipment.

The underground tunnels discovered by border patrol are built and controlled by drug cartels and smugglers– who are unlikely to grant access to migrants out of the goodness of their hearts:

  • (1) These criminal organizations charge prohibitive fees (and/or sexual recompense) in exchange for passage.
  • (2) These criminal organizations have an interest in limiting traffic, so as to avoid unwanted attention from law enforcement.

The notion that over-land crossings would easily shift underground– in similar numbers— is ludicrous.

If a wall works, then why do you oppose it?
A number of reasons:

  • (1) To deny Trump a victory.
  • (2) I hate checkpoints or lines of any kind.
  • (3) I love drugs, and cutting off the southern border would lead to a price increase.
  • (4) I don’t really see how a Mexican moving to Seattle is different from a West Virginian moving to Florida.

    Honestly, in that scenario– with 1 notable exception— I prefer the Mexican.

But what about the terrorists?
You will die of cancer, stroke, or heart disease.

On the off chance you are murdered, the overwhelmingly likelihood is that the culprit will be a spouse or family member.

The odds of you getting killed by a terrorist or MS-13 is ~0%. You’re just as likely to be eaten by the Loch Ness Monster.

How will the shutdown end?
Trump is demanding $5 billion for border wall funding. The Democrats are offering $1.3 billion for border security.

Eventually, they will come to the following compromise:

  • $2.5-3.75 billion for border security (most of it going into the pockets of crony capitalist contractors).
  • Republicans keep lobbyists happy with obsolete, overpriced military junk that the Pentagon doesn’t want or need.
  • Democrats keep lobbyists happy with green solar scams that goes to investor bros that are #MeToo-ing subordinates on private jets as we speak.

In exchange, lobbyists will kick back money into politicians’ reerection campaigns– and the cycle continues unabated in perpetuity.

For the record, MFP has an 89.1% accuracy rating.

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