Here's Why
Kamala can't win
Post-New Year's
2020 Power Rankings
Beto O'Rourke's
Path to the Nomination
Richard Ojeda's
Path to the Nomination
Post Mid-Terms
2020 Power Rankings

MFP accurately reax to Elizabeth Warren 2020

Musha Hadeen Published January 1, 2019

Top presidential candidates usually don’t make it official until the spring. But falling poll numbers and dwindling enthusiasm has forced Team Warren to declare early– for fear of a mass exodus of donors and talent.

Elizabeth Warren’s problem isn’t policy.

If Trump adopted Warren’s entire “socialist” economic agenda word-for-word, he wouldn’t lose a single supporter– as long as he kept being racist (you may recall the Nazis were big on social welfare programs for non-murdered populations).

Warren’s problem is the absolute unwillingness of liberals to accept (and strategize for) the fact that women are biologically and culturally predisposed to subconsciously hate other women.

How Men & Women Subconsciously See Women

MEN WOMEN
Young women Prey Competition
Hot women Trophy Competition
Attractive ~35-year-old career women ??? ???
Ugly/Old women Worthless
and/or a bitch
Weak
and/or a bitch

Consequently, women never win the female demographic against openly sexist male opponents by the margins expected (or needed).

To win the American presidency as a woman (by a large enough margin to withstand foreign interference), a candidate must look something like Coralie:

MFP can now project that Elizabeth Warren has no path to the Democrat nomination, and zero chance to win the general erection.

Post-New Year’s Power Rankings

Beto

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 9
  • Speech 8
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 3
  • Beto has 100% name ID and approaching universal favorability among the Democrat activists that will decide the Iowa caucuses– and if he wins Iowa, it’s a wrap.

    There is, however, a legitimate concern that Beto is too nice to win a general erection. To those critics, I would say never underestimate Americans’ propensity to erect presidents that are the polar opposites of their predecessors.

    Bernie

  • Communism 9
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 3
  • Bernie has 2 problems:

    • (1) He’s been too persuasive. His once-fringe ideas have become mainstream Democrat values. Younger, better-looking candidates have co-opted his message.
    • (2) In 2016, Hillary took the slings and arrows. This time around, Bernie will be subjected to the kind of scrutiny reserved for frontrunners.

    But on the bright side, Bernie doesn’t have to worry about Debbie Wasserman Schultz anymore.

    Joe Biden

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 8
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 5
  • If Joe Biden had run in 2016, he would have won Michigan, Pennsylvania, and/or Wisconsin– and he would be President today.

    But like Chris Christie in 2012– when opportunity knocked on Joe’s door, he hesitated, and his moment passed.

    Now he has 2 choices:

    • RUN – End up like Fred Thompson ’08.
    • NOT RUN – Graciously stand aside under the auspices of selflessly empowering the next generation of Democrats.
    Kamala Harris

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 8
  • Look 5
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 6
  • I’ve been skeptical.

    But of late, Kamala has succeeded in convincingly approximating normal human emotion, and perfectly capturing the broad sentiment of Americans of average intelligence or above:

    As far as her chances in a general erection, the midterms proved progressive, far-less skilled Democrats can win in MI, PA, and WI (and there’s a good chance she only needs 2 of the 3).

    Elizabeth Warren

  • Communism 10
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 4
  • Interview 6
  • Likability 3
  • Scandals 4
  • I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW.

    If I have to choose between:

    • (A) A literal evil Nazi like Trump (except that Trump is inefficient and far below avg. Aryan/Ashkenazi/Japanese intelligence).
    • (B) A nagging kindergarten teacher slash tyrannical PTA lady like Warren

    Get my brownshirt and armband because there is no fucking way I’m voting for Warren.

    Sorry, but I am evolutionarily predisposed to hate nagging women (unless they are extremely hot and between the ages of 18-24 (and by 18-24, I mean 17 in some states-24))– and even then, it’s borderline intolerable.

    Cory Booker

  • Communism 5
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 7
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 7
  • Scandals 5
  • Cory is desperate to distance himself from his anti-union, pro-charter school, big donor sellout reputation by ramping up his anti-Trump rhetoric.

    But then Big Pharma called…

    To be fair, not even Trump can stand up to pharma lobbyists.

    Sherrod Brown

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 4
  • Look 4
  • Speech 6
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 5
  • Scandals 3
  • Sherrod Brown is a classic example of the punditocracy overvaluing political positioning.

    Their thinking goes:

    Sherrod Brown (Or John Kasich or Scott Walker) appeals to flyover country because in 2015 he said X or Y about the Import-Export Bank.

    What strategerists fail to realize is that nobody gives a fuck about all that shit. 99.9% of presidential cycle voters are idiots. They don’t care what your positions are, they either like you or they don’t.

    Gavin Newsom

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 9
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 4
  • Scandals 9
  • Newsom is the best natural politician in the field…except, he’s not in the field.

    Also, if half-naked, terrified young women in ragged clothing held in captivity for decades escaped from a hidden dungeon in one of Newsom’s mansions– would you really be that surprised??

    Given the seemingly ever-present threat of scandal, maybe he’s smart to sit out this cycle.

    Kirsten Gillibrand

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look ?
  • Speech 5
  • Interview 9
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 2
  • At her best, Kirsten is charming, likable, and an excellent communicator…

    Unfortunately, she is cursed with recurring obesity that makes her look like an elementary school cafeteria lady ~50% of the time.

    Sad!

    Eric Garcetti

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 6
  • Look 7
  • Speech 6
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 5
  • Eric Garcetti is the quintessential bumbling but lovable well-meaning sitcom dad. He is virtually indistinguishable from Modern Family’s Phil Dunphy.

    Anyone who claims they don’t want to be BFFs w/ Garcetti is a goddamn liar.

    His wife won’t even take on his last name, which must be emasculating.

    Unfortunately, Beto is a cooler, more likable, better-looking, more recognizable, and less tied-to-unpopular-legislation version of Garcetti.

    Andrew Cuomo

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 8
  • Look 7
  • Speech 6
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 0
  • Scandals 8
  • Cuomo is only up here because he’s a big name from a big state that can raise a lot of money.

    But let’s think this through: A scandal-ridden, anti-gun New York governor and a primary calendar that starts in Iowa, then New Hampshire, then swings through the South, and then swings through the Midwest??

    We don’t even get to Cuomo-friendly states– to the extent there are any– until Mid-March and April!

    No chance.

    Adam Schiff

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 4
  • Look 1
  • Speech 3
  • Interview 6
  • Likability 2
  • Scandals 3
  • As the ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee investigating Russia, Adam can get on cable news whenever the fuck he wants.

    That’s the good news.

    The bad news is that he looks like a weasel.

    It’s not fair, it’s not right, but much like Carly ’16— the more people are exposed to Schiff’s face, the less they will like him.

    Castro Bros. Imagine that mug on Iowa mailers?? Buena suerte, mi amigo!
    Xavier Becerra He’s like a Hispanic Mike Pence…

    Who spells “Javier” with an “X”, anyway??

    GTFO.

    Amy Klasdfochar No.
    Deval Patrick No.

    With the failure to repeal Obamacare (which the Reich’s poor, uneducated supporters disproportionately rely on), Trump’s odds of reerection have risen to 66.6%.

    For the record, MFP has an 89.1% accuracy rate.

    Green New Deal

    MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

    The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

    Read More
    This is happening

    MFP’s 2018
    Year End Awards

    MFP accurately presents awards for 2018's greatest Uncle Tom, hottest porn star, and much, much more!

    Read More

    If Vladimir Putin had sent her instead, she'd be the First Lady by now

    What was the GRU thinking?? I feel like Maria Butina would have a hard time placing in a Dagestanian beauty pageant.

    Read More
    MFP accurately projects

    Here’s Beto’s path to the Democrat nomination

    Beta has 100% name ID and approaching universal favorability among the Democrat activists that will decide the Iowa caucuses.

    Read More
    Green New Deal

    MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

    The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

    Read More
    Erection 2020

    Post-Mueller
    2020 Power Rankings

    Mayor Pete's candidacy is fascinating because it perfectly illustrates the changing tastes of Americans.

    Read More
    THIS IS AWKWARD

    Asians and Jews do better than Blacks at the SAME “failing” schools

    I know what you're thinking, but it's not that either.

    Low-Information Voters

    Tucker Carlson: Tea Party conservatives are “morons”

    EEach night, Tucker Carlson trolls liberal elites with his plucky yet affable demeanor. But this character was only written 3 years ago by the legendary Roger Ailes.

    Mark Levin suddenly doesn't have a problem with the President
    playing golf.

    “He’s hooked on golf like drug addicts are hooked on drugs…he used to do pot, he used to do coke, now he does golf!”

    Read More

    Alex Jones reveals:
    Sandy Hook massacre was
    “completely fake with actors”

    “Sandy Hook is a synthetic, completely fake, with actors, in my view, manufactured...zero murders occurred in Newtown, you've got the green screens...there were actors, clearly.”

    Alex Jones insists
    he didn’t promote Pizzagate, but here’s his deleted video

    In a February, Alex Jones denied ever promoting Pizzagate, blaming the media for spreading misinformation-- but here's his deleted video!

    Would Marry

    The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

    This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

    Read More

    Bwahahaha!
    Rand Paul Totally Betrays Libertarians

    Since Trump's erection, fmr. libertarian Rand Paul has shamelessly flip-flopped on issues including Executive Orders, Executive Powers, Immigration, and much more!

    Read More
    Would Marry

    The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

    This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

    Read More
    Emergency Fap Check

    Wait, Is Sarah McDaniel Actually The Hottest Smart Chick On Earth??

    Earlier this year, MFP declared Emma Dumont "the most beautiful smart woman on Earth". But reader Nate recently urged MFP to reconsider.

    Read More

    BREAKING:
    The 2 Cutest Girls at Purdue are Republican!

    According to MFP's research, this is the 1st time this has ever happened!

    Read More
    The Cuckening

    Wow, Jordan Peterson
    got cucked hard!

    Jordan Peterson is a dumb person’s idea of what a smart person is like. He’s made a fortune off making retards feel smart by parroting his pseudointellectual “common sense”.

    Read More

    Rush Limbaugh loves Luke Cage, doesn’t hate Black Panther that much

    Would Smash

    BREAKING: Michael Wolff hates fun

    Janet Yellen has facial hair, looks like convicted murderer Suzanne Basso

    Sean Hannity endorses gay marriage

    Would Smash

    Russia tricks Trump supporters into thinking Samara Weaving was attacked by ANTIFA