3 Fool-Proof Ways to Destroy ISIS

MP   |   Published May 23, 2017

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Following the deadly terrorist attack in Manchester, MFP has compiled 3 historically proven, fool-proof ways to defeat ISIS once and for all.

Personally, I prefer Option (1) just so low-information voters will finally STFU?? But each of these solutions has a 100% efficacy rate.

(1) Carthage the Middle East

Rome, as you may recall, was 2-0 vs. its arch rival Carthage. But the Carthaginians never truly accepted Roman primacy. So, in their 3rd and final showdown, Rome didn’t take any chances:

Of a city population that may have exceeded a quarter of a million, only 50,000 remained at the final surrender. The survivors were sold into slavery, the city was razed, and the territory was made a Roman province under the name of Africa.

Time and again throughout history– from Carthage to Nazi Germany to Imperial Japan– razing cities to the ground has proven 100% effective.

The 1 flaw in this strategery is that you cannot leave any sons alive to avenge their fathers. Otherwise, you risk continued hostilities or worse, a Hannibal scenario.

(2) Negotiate forever until everyone agrees to peace out of sheer intellectual and emotional exhaustion

For 1,000 years, give or take a few centuries, parts of Ireland violently resisted the UK. Methods of defiance included bombs, murder, and assassination.

At times, peace seemed impossible.

But after years of mistrust and simmering tensions, after round after round of recriminations– one day, for whatever reason, people just finally got the fuck over it…

It is not as though Tony Blair or George Mitchell or Lord Trimble or Bertie Ahern were greater men or better negotiators than their predecessors– it is just that the time had come.

A few short years later, there are entire generations that don’t know what Bono is whinging about in “Sunday, Bloody Sunday”…

The 1 flaw in this strategery is that it requires people not to behave like the reactionary angry mob in every Stephen King novel ever.

(3) Do Absolutely Nothing

From 336 to 323 BC, Alexander the Great conquered 2 million square miles. He was the geopolitical threat of his day. At 32-years-old, Alexander ruled a good chunk of the known world.

And he was just getting started.

But then he got a fever and died. Womp womp.

History teaches us that everything ends. Even the things that don’t seem like they’re ever going to end, eventually end– and they often end in the most mundane, anti-climactic ways possible.

Most of the time, shit just takes care of itself.

The 1 flaw in this strategery is that it requires people not to behave like the reactionary angry mob in every Stephen King novel ever.

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