Mofo Politics
Mofo Politics

El Chorro joins the Tinder: Part II   June 7, 2016

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El Chorro Spends His First Frustrating Week On the Tinder

(The second in a spellbinding series. Click here for Part I.)

It has been one week, and El Chorro has made five “matches” on the Tinder.

I have learned a great deal about the psychology of online dating, in these exasperating past few days.

My “matches” have all had bad experiences with online dating, so they will not meet with me. They want to text and text forever like prison pen pals, so they can romanticize me, and then never meet me and be disappointed.

This is very frustrating.

They know I am who I say I am because my Facebook profile, such as it is, corroborates my identity. It is not difficult to comb through someone’s Facebook page to check for additional sanity indicators (or rack photos, which is my practice).

So what are they afraid of?

That I will be as awful as the last 50 guys? That the El Chorro who charms them with carefully crafted text messages will not be an El Chorro who can speak this way face to face? That the dreamy Prince Charming I become after an hour of texting will just be an ordinary gaucho with a paunch under his poncho?

But Tinder is the middle-age solution to online dating. Tinder is like a mutual friend who introduces us, not a cynical matchmaker looking for a quick commission.

The problem is that as stunning as their photos are, these women have lost the confidence to actually meet someone. It is the scourge of these modern times, and a harbinger of The Death of Western Civilization (not that my “matches” are still fertile).

I’ve actually had texting discussions with women about meeting over coffee that sound like I’ve asked them to perform unnatural acts upon me…

I am not ready…

I want to go slow…

I’ve had my share of guys in a hurry…

Yes, amigos, “in a hurry”…to meet for coffee!

To El Chorro, a student of the Old School, Tinder is the introduction, and coffee is the first step, not third base. We shouldn’t even be texting this much until after we’ve met! It’s backwards, upside down, and maddening for El Chorro!

Even a lovely woman who gave me her real phone number suddenly changed her mind about meeting. They all understand we are not “hook up” people; that is not the issue. And I offer a simple meeting in a busy coffeehouse near to them, so that we can, you know…MEET.

Just as a frustrated El Chorro was about to delete his account, however, one of them said yes…

Coming soon: My first Tinder date.

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Abella Danger 8.0 Quintessential butterface.
Abby Hornacek 8.75 Penalized for height.
Abby Huntsman 7.0 Penalized for looking like her dad.
Ainsley Earhardt 6.99 Penalized for age (40's).
AJ Applegate 8.75 If she was anorexic, she'd be a 10.
AJ Delgado, Jason Miller's fmr. mistress 5.99
Alex Witt 4.75
Alexa Bliss, WWE superstar 9.25
Alexis Levinson 6.5
Alexis Wineman circa 2012 9.0 Her love could be my salvation.
Allison Williams, Brian Williams daughter 7.25 Penalized for looking like her dad.
Alisyn Camerota 5.25
Amanda Carpenter 6.5 Basic bitch.
Amy Jackson 9.5 Perfect face.
Amy Kremer, the fake conservative activist 3.75 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Ana Kasparian 6.25 I'm just not into it, she looks like an angry maid.
Ana Navarro 3.99 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Andrea Tantaros 6.5 + body, dumb face.
Ann Coulter 5.99 Penalized for age (50's).
Anna Kooiman 8.0 She looks like a sexy chipmunk.
Andrea Mitchell 2.25 Disgusting.
Antonietta Collins 6.25 Don't be fooled by the makeup and angles.
April Ryan 2.25 Disgusting.
April Ponnuru, Ramesh Ponnuru's wife 2.99 I'd do her, tbh.
Ashley Parker 5.0
Aubrey O'Day, Don Jr.'s fmr. mistress (Prime) 8.25
Andrea Catsimatidis, Manhattan GOP Chair 7.75 My mind says "gross", but my penis says "10/10".
Barbara Mikulski 0.75 Needs burka.
Baskin Champion 9.49 10 face, but no boobs :(
Baskin Champion's Sister 7.0 Much less attractive than her sister.
Belen Sisa the Undocumented Student 6.5
Bristol Palin (Prime, circa post-weight loss, pre-all the babies) 7.75
Britney Spears (Prime, circa "Oops, I Did It Again") 9.0
Brooke Baldwin 6.49 Penalized for age (40's).
Carly Fiorina 5.0
Carmen Callaway 9.49 Bonus points for looking ~18.
Carrie Prejean (Prime) 9.25
Caroline Heldman, that chick who accused Fox News 6.5 Penalized for age (40's).
Catherine Rampell 6.49 Often overrated due to being surrounded by ugly old people.
Chelsea Clinton 2.99 Disgusting.
Chelsea the Code Pink Protester (Chelsea Byers) 7.75 Her love could be my salvation.
Christiane Amanpour 3.5 Disgusting.
Claire McCaskill 2.75 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Courtney Byrd 9.0
Dana Bash 5.5
Dana Loesch 6.49 I'd do her.
Dana Perino 6.25 Penalized for age (40's).
Daniela Lopez Osorio 8.75 Face is highly overrated.
Danielle Bregoli, the "Cash Me Outside, How Bow Dah" girl N/A N/A
Danielle Weisberg 7.0 She can get it.
Delaney Targgaryen N/A N/A
Denise Odie Joseph II, Dinesh D'Souza's fmr. mistress 5.25 I'd do her, tbh.
Dishwasher Lady (Prime) 8.99
Dominika the Nuclear Power Plant Intern 8.99 Self-explanatory
Eboni K. Williams, the Fox News Aunt Jemima 6.49 Penalized for race.
Elizabeth Warren 2.5 Needs burka.
Elizabeth Nolan Brown 5.75
Ellison Barber 7.25 Down 10% from 2014 prime.
Emma DiGiovine, Jesse Watters fmr. mistress 6.99 Quintessential butterface.
Erin Burnett 6.75 Penalized for age (40's).
Erin Schrode, the liberal with a never ending list of grievances 6.49 Disturbingly deep voice.
Evgenia Medvedeva 9.0 That Sailor Moon outfit tho.
Gina Loudon 6.5 MILF.
Giselle Leon (Prime) 8.25
Gloria Allred 2.5 You know what? Would.
Gloria Borger 3.75
Haley Byrd 7.49 Would be so hot w/ woman's haircut.
Harris Faulkner 4.0 Penalized for race.
Heather Childers 6.25 She's like West Virginia hills folks' idea of what a hot chick looks like.
Heidi Cruz 4.0
Heidi Heitkamp 1.0 Needs burka.
Hillary Clinton 2.5 Disgusting.
Hillary Clinton (prime) 7.0
Hillary McLellan the Chick That Lied About Cancer 7.25
Hope Hicks 6.5 Beautiful from a great distance.
Hwang Mi Hee (Prime) 8.75 Hottest Asian chick to ever live.
Irin Carmon 6.75
Ivanka Trump 6.75 Penalized for age.
Ivanka Trump (Prime) 9.5
Jeanette Dousdebes Rubio, Marco Rubio's wife 5.75
Jedediah Bila 7.75 Penalized for age.
Jennifer Grossman, the fake libertarian 6.25 Absolute GGILF.
Jillian Kirk, the racist MSU student 7.5
Jo Marney, the Nazi 6.25 Has an old lady face.
Joy Behar 1.99 Needs burka.
Joy Reid (Joy Ann Reid) 2.25 Needs burka.
Julia Ioffe 6.75 Penalized for age.
Julie Mason 2.75 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Kacey Jordan (Ted Cruz controversy). 7.75 Bonus points for looking ~18.
Kaileigh Brandt 10.0 Not that hot, but genetically perfect.
Kaitlan Collins 6.5
Kamala Harris 4.99
Kanadajin3 (pre-Muslim conversion) 6.5 I'd do her.
Kasie Hunt 5.5
Kat Timpf 7.49
Kata Sarka, the Hungarian chick that Trump tried to bang. 7.5 +++ body, avg. face.
Kate Bouldan 6.5
Kate Upton (Prime) 9.0
Kathryn Limbaugh, Rush Limbaugh's wife 4.75
Katie Glueck 6.99 Bonus points for looking ~18.
Katie Lou Samuelson 6.5 Penalized for height.
Katie Nolan 7.0 Face is overrated.
Katie Packer, the flip-flopping RINO 2.75 Disgusting.
Katie Pavlich 6.5 Penalized for gigantism.
Katrina Pierson 6.0 Looks like an evil koala bear.
Katy Tur 6.75 Disturbingly unattractive without makeup.
Kaylee Moats, the Chick with No Vagina 7.25
Kayleigh McEnany 7.0 She looks like a sexy, retarded fish.
Kellyanne Conway 4.75 Facially repulsive.
Kim Yo-jong, Kim Jong-un's sister 2.99 Needs burka.
Kimberly Guilfoyle 6.5 Repulsive without makeup.
Kinga Duda 7.0 Basic bitch.
Kirsten Gillibrand 5.5
Kirsten Powers 5.5
Kristen Soltis Whatsherface 7.0
Kristen Stewart 8.25
Kristin Tate 7.99 Often overrated due to being surrounded by ugly old people.
Kristine Leahy 8.25 I dunno, she vascillates from 7.5 to 9.0.
Kyle Nolan, Eric Bolling's assistant 8.25 LTR material, but not hot per se.
Laci Green, the adorable feminazi 7.25 Chubbiness offset by implied promiscuity.
Laura Ingraham 6.25 Penalized for age (50's).
Laura Jayes, the reporter who broke the Turnbull-goofing-on-Trump story 6.5 + body, mediocre face.
Lauren Southern 6.49 Basic Bitch.
Lee Ann McAdoo 6.5 + boobs, mediocre face.
Lili Simmons 8.5 At first glance, easily a 9-- but her face looks jacked up under certain angles/lighting.
Liv Morgan 9.0
Liz Plank 6.5 Manly face offset by heavy use of feminine wiles.
Louise Linton, Steve Mnuchin's wife 6.49 Her angry ex-wife face is a turnoff.
Lyda Loudon 6.75
Maria Bartiromo 6.0 Penalized for age (50's).
Marianne Copenhaver, the Neocon Girl 6.49 Sexy hair and glasses conceal jacked up face.
Marilyn Monroe (Prime) 6.75 Basic bitch by today's standards.
Marsha Blackburn 5.0 Penalized for age (late 60's).
Martha MacCallum 5.25 Penalized for age (50's).
Meghan McCain 5.25 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005 10.0 Perfect 10 circa 2005.
Melania Trump 5.75 Beautiful from a great distance.
Megyn Kelly 6.75 Penalized for age (40's).
Michelle Fields 6.49 + body, mediocre face.
Michelle Malkin 4.25 She has to go back.
Michelle Obama 2.99
Michelle Runde 7.0 Cutest gainfully employed vegan ever.
Mika Brzezinski 5.49 I'd do her, tbh.
Mila Moire, the artist who lays eggs with her vagina (Prime) 8.49
Minka Kelly 8.99 She is as hot as you can humanly be without breaking 9.
Molly Line 5.75 Penalized for age (40's).
Monica Crowley 5.0 I think I'd rather do Marsha Blackburn, tbh.
Monica Lewinsky circa Clinton affair 5.75 I'd do her, tbh.
Nadya from Pussy Riot (Nadezhda Tolokonnikova) 6.25 Ugly face offset by heavy use of feminine wiles.
Nasim Aghdam 5.5 Penalized for age.
Natasha Bertrand 6.5 Really cute, but face has slight hint of Down syndrome.
Nancy Pelosi 2.00 Disgusting.
Natalia Lima, Ed Henry's fmr. mistress. 6.75 Older than photos would suggest.
Noor Tagouri, the Hottest Muslim 7.25
Norah O'Donnell (Prime) 8.25 LTR material.
Olivia Harlan 9.0
Paige, WWE superstar 6.75
Paige, WWE superstar (Prime) 8.99
Peyton List 8.49
Poppy Harlow 5.99 I don't get the appeal.
Rachel Maddow 4.5 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Riley Reid 9.25
Ronna McDaniel, GOP Chairthing 3.0 Has Down syndrome face.
Roseanne Barr 1.75 Needs burka.
Salena Zito 1.99 Needs burka.
Sami Main 7.0 Bonus points for looking ~18.
Sammi Hanratty 8.75 Bonus points for looking ~18.
Sandra Smith 6.5 Penalized for age.
Sarah Tiana, the hypocritical comedian 6.49
Sarah Flores, Trump Propaganda Czar 5.99 Oh so close to being hot.
Sarah McDaniel, the model with retard eyes 9.49 A 10 but not a 10.
Sarah Huckabee 2.75 Disgusting.
Sarah Palin 5.75 Penalized for age (50's).
Sarah Palin (Prime) 6.99
SE Cupp 6.5 Manly jawline, fat arms.
Shannon Bream 6.75 Penalized for age (late 40's).
Simona Mangiante, George Papadopoulos' wife 6.5 Do not be fooled by the Instagram angles.
Shera Berchard (Prime) 8.0
Stephanie Ann Cook 8.75
Stormy Daniels circa when Trump smashed 7.5 Mediocre face.
Tamara Holder (Prime) 6.5 Submissive personality makes up for repulsive face.
Tara Palmieri 7.49 Classic marry her to get her off the market, then realize you've made terrible mistake.
Taylor Riggs 7.25 LTR material.
Tiffany Thompson, Ezekiel Elliot's ex 7.25
Tiffany Trump 7.25 Face has slight hint of Down syndrome, but bonus points for age.
Tomi Lahren 7.0 + body, angry ex-wife face.
Trish Regan 6.5 Penalized for age (late 40's).
Tulsi Gabbard 5.25 Looks like a giant eskimo w/ terrible skin..
Whoopi Goldberg 1.5 Needs burka.
Zoey Kush 8.5 Bonus points for looking ~18.