When I read there was going to be an all-female, naked production of Shakespeare’s “The Tempest” at Central Park, I was HIV-positive that the women involved would be repulsive.
And for the most part, my preconceived notions were proven correct:
But there was 1 stunning exception, Marisa Roper:
I know what you’re thinking:
She’s probably a liberal, bro! 60-year-old conservative chicks who don’t even get periods anymore like Ann Coulter are so much hotter bro! My girlfriend is way better looking, bro!
- (1) Your girlfriend is definitely NOT better-looking than Marisa. And I think you know that.
- (2) You don’t even have a girlfriend.
And even if you did, she certainly can’t do this:
Best case scenario
The odds of Marisa and I living happily ever after are virtually nil.
Here’s the only scenario in which I see it happening:
I get bitten by a vampire. But through a quirk of fate, I become a vampire with a soul. I spend my lonely existence brooding– beset with guilt– hopelessly wandering the Earth trying to atone for my sins.
Then 1 day, I happen to save Marisa from violent Bernie bros. And even though I fall in love with her instantly?? At the same time, I don’t want to fall for her because I never want to be vulnerable again! I’m just like:
And as you might expect, my reluctance to do her only serves to make me more attractive in her eyes. So all’s well that ends well.