Shannon Bream’s education
The perfect conservative woman should be smart but not too smart. She should have a 4-year college degree, but not from a real school. A fake Christian scam like Liberty University is perfect– it eensures she has a semi-legitimate degree without having blown a bunch of dudes at parties, like pretty much every chick that goes to FSU.
Melissa Theuriau’s shallowlessness
The perfect conservative woman cares a lot about what she looks like, but is indifferent to your appearance. Rest easy knowing she will never leave you for a better-looking guy…
Tina Korbe’s innocence
The perfect conservative woman is sexually-repressed. You want to be the first man she is fully vulnerable with– you don’t want her having a special place in her heart for some Linkin Park clone douchebag at a frat party…
Sara Eisen’s clingy-ness
The perfect conservative woman is strong (you want her to be able to handle shit in case you’re ever in a coma or something)– but still insecure enough to nag you to marry her, be jealous of other women, and sexually degrade herself to satisfy you (in part, as a result of having an absent or distant father that she tried but failed to please)…
Tamara Holder’s sexual depravity
I like to, you know, do bad things…immoral things.
Melissa Theuriau’s mid-2000’s Ethereal Beauty
The perfect conservative woman possesses the angelic beauty of Melissa Theuriau circa 2002-2009, which makes up for any genetic shortcomings you may pass on to your offspring…
I mean, she even looks hot dressed like this…
Ainsley Earhardt’s BJ skills
Katie Pavlich’s knockers
Jedsdfsdfkksdfhsdf Bila’s butt
Bristol Palin’s legs
The perfect conservative woman has substantial thighs– not fat, but enough to suggest she can rear multiple children…
