Shannon Bream’s education

The perfect conservative woman should be smart, but not too smart. She should have a 4-year college degree, but not from a real school. A fake Christian scam like Liberty University is perfect– it ensures that she has a semi-legitimate degree without having blown a bunch of dudes at parties, like pretty much every chick at FSU.

Melissa Theuriau’s shallowlessness

The perfect conservative woman cares a lot about what she looks like, but is indifferent to your appearance. Rest easy knowing she will never leave you for a better-looking guy.

Tina Korbe’s innocence

The perfect conservative woman is sexually-repressed. You want to be the first man she is fully vulnerable with– you don’t want her having a special place in her heart for some Linkin Park clone douchebag at a frat party.

Sara Eisen’s clingy-ness

The perfect conservative woman is strong (you want her to be able to handle shit in case you’re ever in a coma or something), but still insecure enough to nag you to marry her, be jealous of other women, and sexually degrade herself to satisfy you (in part, as a result of having an absent or distant father that she tried but failed to please)

Tamara Holder’s sexual depravity

Melissa Theuriau’s mid-2000’s Ethereal Beauty

The perfect conservative woman possesses the angelic beauty of Melissa Theuriau circa 2002-2009, which makes up for any genetic shortcomings you may pass on to your offspring.

I mean, she even looks hot dressed like this…

Ainsley Earhardt’s BJ skills

Katie Pavlich’s knockers

In retrospect, maybe Ivanka’s knockers, I dunno, either/or.

Jedsdfsdfkksdfhsdf Bila’s butt

Bristol Palin’s legs

The perfect conservative woman has substantial thighs– not fat, but enough to suggest she can rear multiple children.