Shannon Bream’s education

The perfect conservative woman should have a 4-year college degree, but not like from an Ivy League school because then she’ll be all uppity. A fake Christian school like Liberty University ensures she has a semi-legitimate 4-year degree, without having blown a bunch of dudes at parties, like pretty much every chick that goes to FSU.

Melissa Theuriau’s lack of shallowlessness

The perfect conservative woman cares a lot about what she looks like, but is indifferent to your appearance. Rest easy knowing she will never leave you for a better-looking guy…

Tina Korbe’s innocence

The perfect conservative woman is sexually-repressed. You want to be the first man she is fully vulnerable with– you don’t want her having a special place in her heart for some Linkin Park clone douchebag at a frat party…

Sara Eisen’s clingy-ness…

The perfect conservative woman is strong (you want her to be able to handle shit in case you’re ever in a coma or something)– but still insecure enough to nag you to marry her, be jealous of other women, and sexually degrade herself to satisfy you (in part, as a result of having an absent or distant father that she tried but failed to please)…

Tamara Holder’s sexual depravity

I like to, you know, do bad things…immoral things.

Melissa Theuriau’s Ethereal Beauty

The perfect conservative woman possesses the angelic beauty of Melissa Theuriau circa 2002-2009, which makes up for any genetic shortcomings you may pass on to your offspring…

I mean, she even looks hot dressed like this…

Ainsley Earhardt’s mouth

Katie Pavlich’s knockers

Jedsdfsdfkksdfhsdf Bila’s butt

Bristol Palin’s legs

The perfect conservative woman has substantial thighs– not fat, but enough to suggest she can rear multiple children…