Here's Why
Kamala can't win
Post-New Year's
2020 Power Rankings
Beto O'Rourke's
Path to the Nomination
Richard Ojeda's
Path to the Nomination
Post Mid-Terms
2020 Power Rankings

MFP constructs the perfect conservative woman

MFP & co. Published June 20, 2015

Shannon Bream’s education

The perfect conservative woman should be smart, but not too smart. She should have a 4-year college degree, but not from a real school. A fake Christian scam like Liberty University is perfect– it ensures that she has a semi-legitimate degree without having blown a bunch of dudes at parties, like pretty much every chick at FSU.

Melissa Theuriau’s shallowlessness

The perfect conservative woman cares a lot about what she looks like, but is indifferent to your appearance. Rest easy knowing she will never leave you for a better-looking guy.

Tina Korbe’s innocence

The perfect conservative woman is sexually-repressed. You want to be the first man she is fully vulnerable with– you don’t want her having a special place in her heart for some Linkin Park clone douchebag at a frat party.

Sara Eisen’s clingy-ness

The perfect conservative woman is strong (you want her to be able to handle shit in case you’re ever in a coma or something), but still insecure enough to nag you to marry her, be jealous of other women, and sexually degrade herself to satisfy you (in part, as a result of having an absent or distant father that she tried but failed to please)

Tamara Holder’s sexual depravity

Melissa Theuriau’s mid-2000’s Ethereal Beauty

The perfect conservative woman possesses the angelic beauty of Melissa Theuriau circa 2002-2009, which makes up for any genetic shortcomings you may pass on to your offspring.

I mean, she even looks hot dressed like this…

Ainsley Earhardt’s BJ skills

Katie Pavlich’s knockers

In retrospect, maybe Ivanka’s knockers, I dunno, either/or.

Jedsdfsdfkksdfhsdf Bila’s butt

Bristol Palin’s legs

The perfect conservative woman has substantial thighs– not fat, but enough to suggest she can rear multiple children.

Green New Deal

MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

Read More
This is happening

MFP’s 2018
Year End Awards

MFP accurately presents awards for 2018's greatest Uncle Tom, hottest porn star, and much, much more!

Read More

If Vladimir Putin had sent her instead, she'd be the First Lady by now

What was the GRU thinking?? I feel like Maria Butina would have a hard time placing in a Dagestanian beauty pageant.

Read More
MFP accurately projects

Here’s Beto’s path to the Democrat nomination

Beta has 100% name ID and approaching universal favorability among the Democrat activists that will decide the Iowa caucuses.

Read More
Green New Deal

MFP accurately reax to the Green New Deal

The Green New Deal presupposes that recent global temperature and weather patterns (~500 out of 4.5 billion years) are "correct" and should be frozen in place in perpetuity.

Read More
Erection 2020

Post-Mueller
2020 Power Rankings

Mayor Pete's candidacy is fascinating because it perfectly illustrates the changing tastes of Americans.

Read More
THIS IS AWKWARD

Asians and Jews do better than Blacks at the SAME “failing” schools

I know what you're thinking, but it's not that either.

Low-Information Voters

Tucker Carlson: Tea Party conservatives are “morons”

EEach night, Tucker Carlson trolls liberal elites with his plucky yet affable demeanor. But this character was only written 3 years ago by the legendary Roger Ailes.

Mark Levin suddenly doesn't have a problem with the President
playing golf.

“He’s hooked on golf like drug addicts are hooked on drugs…he used to do pot, he used to do coke, now he does golf!”

Read More

Alex Jones reveals:
Sandy Hook massacre was
“completely fake with actors”

“Sandy Hook is a synthetic, completely fake, with actors, in my view, manufactured...zero murders occurred in Newtown, you've got the green screens...there were actors, clearly.”

Alex Jones insists
he didn’t promote Pizzagate, but here’s his deleted video

In a February, Alex Jones denied ever promoting Pizzagate, blaming the media for spreading misinformation-- but here's his deleted video!

Would Marry

The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

Read More

Bwahahaha!
Rand Paul Totally Betrays Libertarians

Since Trump's erection, fmr. libertarian Rand Paul has shamelessly flip-flopped on issues including Executive Orders, Executive Powers, Immigration, and much more!

Read More
Would Marry

The Most Beautiful Intelligent Woman on Planet Earth.

This is not to say that Emma Dumont is smarter than Kaileigh Brandt (their diverging interests makes that difficult to quantify with anything approaching certainty) or more carnally desirable than Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005.

Read More
Emergency Fap Check

Wait, Is Sarah McDaniel Actually The Hottest Smart Chick On Earth??

Earlier this year, MFP declared Emma Dumont "the most beautiful smart woman on Earth". But reader Nate recently urged MFP to reconsider.

Read More

BREAKING:
The 2 Cutest Girls at Purdue are Republican!

According to MFP's research, this is the 1st time this has ever happened!

Read More
The Cuckening

Wow, Jordan Peterson
got cucked hard!

Jordan Peterson is a dumb person’s idea of what a smart person is like. He’s made a fortune off making retards feel smart by parroting his pseudointellectual “common sense”.

Read More

Laura Ingraham falsely claims: Women don’t care if men are bald

Chael Sonnen: The Constitution was “written by knuckleheads w/ 8th grade educations”

Would Smash

MFP’s touching musical tribute to Katie Glueck

Would Smash

MFP accurately ranks racist college students by order of hotness

Would Smash

German Model with Korean Boyfriend or Porn Star?