Mofo Politics
Mofo Politics

This is what the 1st Chick President will look like   August 1, 2017

MFP & co. Tweet Email

Qualified or not– like it or not– the likes of Kirsten Gillibrand and Kamala Harris are too homely and overweight to attract Rustbelt and Southern independent voters in sufficient numbers to win the erectoral college.

On the other hand, there is such a thing as too hot.

A woman even half as hot as Mélissa Theuriau– who, in her mid-2000’s prime, was the most beautiful woman that ever existed– could never become POTUS.

Women would resent her, and men couldn’t take her seriously in a leadership role.

The 1st Chick POTUS will look like Coralie

This French lawyer-turned-politician circa 5 years ago is what 1CPOTUS will look like:

  • Attractive, but past her prime.
  • Educated, but not outwardly elitist.
  • Sexy, but not slutty (a very rare quality).

1CPOTUS will be able to put her hair in a bun out of convenience, and somehow still look classy…

1CPOTUS will come from a middle-to-working class background, and wear dragon shirts when she was a kid accordingly…

1CPOTUS will be friendly and warm, but possess an unshakable confidence that can only be derived from deeply-rooted delusions of grandeur:

At the very beginning, they said I was chosen for my physique. But when I started leading the movement, they said I was an authoritarian.

Perhaps it will be this more tender tree which hides a forest which is said to be made up of the hardest of the woods. [Her surname] in Occitan is ‘wood’.

1CPOTUS will be be able to pass for a happy-go-lucky girl trying to make her way in this crazy world that just stumbled into politics by accident…

But while everyone else is yucking it up, she will be secretly plotting her vengeance against all those that opposed the birth of her thousand year dynasty…

Somewhere in America, she’s out there.

Maybe she’s still in school, getting pressured to swallow by her much older boyfriend. Maybe she’s out naively wasting her time canvassing for Thomas Massie. Maybe she’s a lawyer for GITMO detainees or making Facebook posts about Monsanto.

Someday, when she’s ready, she will emerge. But until then, Democrats are so fucked…

2020 Power Rankings

    Gavin Newsom

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 8
  • Look 9
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 4
  • Scandals 8
  • If half-naked young women held in captivity for a decade escaped from a hidden dungeon in one of Gavin’s Newsom’s mansions– would you really be that surprised??

    Other than the seemingly ever-present threat of scandal, Gavin checks all the boxes:

    Elizabeth Warren

  • Communism 10
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 3
  • Speech 4
  • Interview 6
  • Likability 3
  • Scandals 4
  • A little of Warren’s nagging kindergarten teacher, tyrannical PTA lady schtick goes a long way.

    Case in point: Here, Bill Maher throws Warren a series of hanging curveballs– but instead of using the opportunity to convey humility and warmth– she proceeds to remind everyone what it’s like to be left alone with their scary mother-in-law…

    Still, name ID and fundraising should keep her in the top tier until February-ish.

    Colonel Sanders

  • Communism 9
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 6
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 3
  • I know, I know.

    The wife and the loan from the bank, aka the Jews aka the Council on Foreign Relations aka Seth Rich.

    MFP has a well-earned reputation for thinly-veiled anti-Semitism, but even I can pretend to give a shit about this:

    Jane Sanders, who led Burlington College from 2004 to 2011, spent millions on a new campus — 33 acres along the bank of Lake Champlain — to attract more students and donations from alumni. It didn’t work: The college failed to recruit enough students or donations to repay its debts and even came close to losing its accreditation.

    Uh, ok…??

    If there was an option to redo the erection on November 8, Bernie would have won handily.

    But unfortunately, he’s going to be like 1,000-years-old by 2020.

    Kamala Harris

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 7
  • Speech 8
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 6
  • Political scouts raved about California’s star Attorney General, Kamala Harris. She came to the Senate with the hype of a #1 draft pick.

    But in her 1st 6 months, Kamala looks more like Ryan Leaf than Peyton Manning.

    In hypothetical 2020 matchups vs. Trump, Kamala polls behind Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Cory Fucking Booker.

    Sad!

    Kirsten Gillibrand

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look ?
  • Speech 5
  • Interview 9
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 2
  • Kirsten insists that she is only focused on her reerection campaign, which means that she’s definitely running for POTUS.

    At her best, Kirsten is a solid candidate– charming, likable, and a good communicator…

    Unfortunately, she is cursed with recurring obesity that makes her look like an elementary school cafeteria lady 3/4 of the year…

    Sad!

    Joe Biden

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 8
  • Look 8
  • Speech 8
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 5
  • Here’s the crazy thing: At this age, Trump cums dust. And Biden is even 3 years older than Trump!

    Whatever else went on in ’16, Trump outworked and outhustled Hillary in the closing days of the campaign.

    Can a 76-year-old (by 2020) Joe Biden muster up that kind of fire??

    I kinda doubt it.

    On the other hand, what better way to get your mind off your son’s creepy weirdo affair than a presidential campaign??

    Cory Booker

  • Communism 5
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 7
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 7
  • Scandals 5
  • 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

    Cory tried to distance himself from his anti-union, pro-charter school, big donor sellout reputation by testifying against his colleague, Jeff Sessions– and ramping up his anti-Trump rhetoric.

    But then Big Pharma called…

    To be fair, not even Trump can stand up to pharma lobbyists.

    Andrew Cuomo

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 8
  • Look 7
  • Speech 6
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 0
  • Scandals 8
  • Cuomo is a big name from a big state, and he can raise a lot of money.

    But let’s think this through: A scandal-ridden, anti-gun New York governor and a primary calendar that starts in Iowa, then New Hampshire, then swings through the South, and then swings through the Midwest??

    We don’t even get to Cuomo-friendly states– to the extent there are any– until Mid-March and April!

    Eric Garcetti

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 6
  • Look 7
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 6
  • Garcetti makes the Top 10 based on the outside chance he upsets Gavin Newsom in the CA gubernatorial race.

    Incidentally, he bears a startling resemblance to Phil Dunphy…

    Also, his wife Amy Wakeland won’t take his last name– which must be emasculating…

    Adam Schiff

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 5
  • Look 1
  • Speech 3
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 5
  • Scandals 3
  • As the ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee investigating Russia, Adam can get on cable news whenever the fuck he wants.

    That’s the good news.

    The bad news is that he looks like a weasel.

    It’s not fair, it’s not right, but much like Carly ’16— the more people are exposed to Schiff, the less they will like him…

    Castro Bros. Imagine that mug on Iowa mailers?? Buena suerte, mi amigo!
    Xavier Becerra He’s like a Hispanic Mike Pence…

    Who spells “Javier” with an “X”, anyway??

    GTFO.

    Amy Klasdfochar No.
    Deval Patrick No.

With the failure to repeal Obamacare (which Trump voters disproportionately rely on), Trump’s odds of reerection now stand at 70.0%.

Jonath Goldberg is going bald AGAIN

Neocons

Neocon Laura Ingraham is totally retarded

The Regime

Michael Savage: Kellyanne Conway “makes my flesh crawl”

The Regime

Michael Savage and Reince Priebus suck up to each other