Mofo Politics
Mofo Politics

This is what the 1st Chick President will look like   August 1, 2017

MFP & co. Tweet Email

Qualified or not– like it or not– the likes of Kirsten Gillibrand and Kamala Harris are too homely and overweight to attract Rustbelt and Southern independent voters in sufficient numbers to win the erectoral college.

On the other hand, there is such a thing as too hot.

A woman even half as hot as Mélissa Theuriau– who, in her mid-2000’s prime, was the most beautiful woman that ever existed– could never become POTUS.

Women would resent her, and men couldn’t take her seriously in a leadership role.

The 1st Chick POTUS will look like Coralie

This French lawyer-turned-politician circa 5 years ago is what 1CPOTUS will look like:

  • Attractive, but past her prime.
  • Educated, but not outwardly elitist.
  • Sexy, but not slutty (a very rare quality).

1CPOTUS will be able to put her hair in a bun out of convenience, and somehow still look classy…

1CPOTUS will come from a middle-to-working class background, and wear dragon shirts when she was a kid accordingly…

1CPOTUS will be friendly and warm, but possess an unshakable confidence that can only be derived from deeply-rooted delusions of grandeur:

At the very beginning, they said I was chosen for my physique. But when I started leading the movement, they said I was an authoritarian.

Perhaps it will be this more tender tree which hides a forest which is said to be made up of the hardest of the woods. [Her surname] in Occitan is ‘wood’.

1CPOTUS will be be able to pass for a happy-go-lucky girl trying to make her way in this crazy world that just stumbled into politics by accident…

But while everyone else is yucking it up, she will be secretly plotting her vengeance against all those that opposed the birth of her thousand year dynasty…

Somewhere in America, she’s out there.

Maybe she’s still in school, getting pressured to swallow by her much older boyfriend. Maybe she’s out naively wasting her time canvassing for Thomas Massie. Maybe she’s a lawyer for GITMO detainees or making Facebook posts about Monsanto.

Someday, when she’s ready, she will emerge. But until then, Democrats are so fucked…

2020 Power Rankings

    Gavin Newsom

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 8
  • Look 9
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 4
  • Scandals 8
  • If half-naked young women held in captivity for a decade escaped from a hidden dungeon in one of Gavin’s Newsom’s mansions– would you really be that surprised??

    Other than the seemingly ever-present threat of scandal, Gavin checks all the boxes:

    Elizabeth Warren

  • Communism 10
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 3
  • Speech 4
  • Interview 6
  • Likability 3
  • Scandals 4
  • A little of Warren’s nagging kindergarten teacher, tyrannical PTA lady schtick goes a long way.

    Case in point: Here, Bill Maher throws Warren a series of hanging curveballs– but instead of using the opportunity to convey humility and warmth– she proceeds to remind everyone what it’s like to be left alone with their scary mother-in-law…

    Still, name ID and fundraising should keep her in the top tier until February-ish.

    Colonel Sanders

  • Communism 9
  • Fundraising 9
  • Look 2
  • Speech 6
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 3
  • I know, I know.

    The wife and the loan from the bank, aka the Jews aka the Council on Foreign Relations aka Seth Rich.

    MFP has a well-earned reputation for thinly-veiled anti-Semitism, but even I can pretend to give a shit about this:

    Jane Sanders, who led Burlington College from 2004 to 2011, spent millions on a new campus — 33 acres along the bank of Lake Champlain — to attract more students and donations from alumni. It didn’t work: The college failed to recruit enough students or donations to repay its debts and even came close to losing its accreditation.

    Uh, ok…??

    If there was an option to redo the erection on November 8, Bernie would have won handily.

    But unfortunately, he’s going to be like 1,000-years-old by 2020.

    Kamala Harris

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 7
  • Speech 8
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 9
  • Scandals 6
  • Political scouts raved about California’s star Attorney General, Kamala Harris. She came to the Senate with the hype of a #1 draft pick.

    But in her 1st 6 months, Kamala looks more like Ryan Leaf than Peyton Manning.

    In hypothetical 2020 matchups vs. Trump, Kamala polls behind Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Cory Fucking Booker.


    Kirsten Gillibrand

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look ?
  • Speech 5
  • Interview 9
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 2
  • Kirsten insists that she is only focused on her reerection campaign, which means that she’s definitely running for POTUS.

    At her best, Kirsten is a solid candidate– charming, likable, and a good communicator…

    Unfortunately, she is cursed with recurring obesity that makes her look like an elementary school cafeteria lady 3/4 of the year…


    Joe Biden

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 8
  • Look 8
  • Speech 8
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 5
  • Here’s the crazy thing: At this age, Trump cums dust. And Biden is even 3 years older than Trump!

    Whatever else went on in ’16, Trump outworked and outhustled Hillary in the closing days of the campaign.

    Can a 76-year-old (by 2020) Joe Biden muster up that kind of fire??

    I kinda doubt it.

    On the other hand, what better way to get your mind off your son’s creepy weirdo affair than a presidential campaign??

    Cory Booker

  • Communism 5
  • Fundraising 7
  • Look 7
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 7
  • Scandals 5
  • 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

    Cory tried to distance himself from his anti-union, pro-charter school, big donor sellout reputation by testifying against his colleague, Jeff Sessions– and ramping up his anti-Trump rhetoric.

    But then Big Pharma called…

    To be fair, not even Trump can stand up to pharma lobbyists.

    Andrew Cuomo

  • Communism 6
  • Fundraising 8
  • Look 7
  • Speech 6
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 0
  • Scandals 8
  • Cuomo is a big name from a big state, and he can raise a lot of money.

    But let’s think this through: A scandal-ridden, anti-gun New York governor and a primary calendar that starts in Iowa, then New Hampshire, then swings through the South, and then swings through the Midwest??

    We don’t even get to Cuomo-friendly states– to the extent there are any– until Mid-March and April!

    Eric Garcetti

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 6
  • Look 7
  • Speech 7
  • Interview 8
  • Likability 8
  • Scandals 6
  • Garcetti makes the Top 10 based on the outside chance he upsets Gavin Newsom in the CA gubernatorial race.

    Incidentally, he bears a startling resemblance to Phil Dunphy…

    Also, his wife Amy Wakeland won’t take his last name– which must be emasculating…

    Adam Schiff

  • Communism 7
  • Fundraising 5
  • Look 1
  • Speech 3
  • Interview 7
  • Likability 5
  • Scandals 3
  • As the ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee investigating Russia, Adam can get on cable news whenever the fuck he wants.

    That’s the good news.

    The bad news is that he looks like a weasel.

    It’s not fair, it’s not right, but much like Carly ’16— the more people are exposed to Schiff, the less they will like him…

    Castro Bros. Imagine that mug on Iowa mailers?? Buena suerte, mi amigo!
    Xavier Becerra He’s like a Hispanic Mike Pence…

    Who spells “Javier” with an “X”, anyway??


    Amy Klasdfochar No.
    Deval Patrick No.

With the failure to repeal Obamacare (which Trump voters disproportionately rely on), Trump’s odds of reerection now stand at 70.0%.

Do you even UFC bro?

UFC champ Michael Bisping: Confederate flag people are “assholes”

The Regime

Gross! Sara Bareilles complains about Trump w/ no makeup on

Russian to conclusions

Silver-Haired Reporter Lady looked hotter than usual

Would Smash

Katy Tur’s knockers looked ENORMOUS at Trump press con

Abella Danger 8.0 Quintessential butterface.
Abby Hornacek 8.75 Penalized for height.
Abby Huntsman 7.0 Penalized for looking like her dad.
Ainsley Earhardt 6.99 Penalized for age (40's).
AJ Applegate 8.75 If she was anorexic, she'd be a 10.
AJ Delgado, Jason Miller's fmr. mistress 5.99
Alex Witt 4.75
Alexa Bliss, WWE superstar 9.25
Alexis Levinson 6.5
Alexis Wineman circa 2012 9.0 Her love could be my salvation.
Allison Williams, Brian Williams daughter 7.25 Penalized for looking like her dad.
Alisyn Camerota 5.25
Amanda Carpenter 6.5 Basic bitch.
Amy Jackson 9.5 Perfect face.
Amy Kremer, the fake conservative activist 3.75 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Ana Kasparian 6.25 I'm just not into it, she looks like an angry maid.
Ana Navarro 3.99 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Andrea Tantaros 6.5 + body, dumb face.
Ann Coulter 5.99 Penalized for age (50's).
Anna Kooiman 8.0 She looks like a sexy chipmunk.
Andrea Mitchell 2.25 Disgusting.
Antonietta Collins 6.25 Don't be fooled by the makeup and angles.
April Ryan 2.25 Disgusting.
April Ponnuru, Ramesh Ponnuru's wife 2.99 I'd do her, tbh.
Ashley Parker 5.0
Aubrey O'Day, Don Jr.'s fmr. mistress (Prime) 8.25
Andrea Catsimatidis, Manhattan GOP Chair 7.75 My mind says "gross", but my penis says "10/10".
Barbara Mikulski 0.75 Needs burka.
Baskin Champion 9.49 10 face, but no boobs :(
Baskin Champion's Sister 7.0 Much less attractive than her sister.
Belen Sisa the Undocumented Student 6.5
Bristol Palin (Prime, circa post-weight loss, pre-all the babies) 7.75
Britney Spears (Prime, circa "Oops, I Did It Again") 9.0
Brooke Baldwin 6.49 Penalized for age (40's).
Carly Fiorina 5.0
Carmen Callaway 9.49 Bonus points for looking ~18.
Carrie Prejean (Prime) 9.25
Caroline Heldman, that chick who accused Fox News 6.5 Penalized for age (40's).
Catherine Rampell 6.49 Often overrated due to being surrounded by ugly old people.
Chelsea Clinton 2.99 Disgusting.
Chelsea the Code Pink Protester (Chelsea Byers) 7.75 Her love could be my salvation.
Christiane Amanpour 3.5 Disgusting.
Claire McCaskill 2.75 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Courtney Byrd 9.0
Dana Bash 5.5
Dana Loesch 6.49 I'd do her.
Dana Perino 6.25 Penalized for age (40's).
Daniela Lopez Osorio 8.75 Face is highly overrated.
Danielle Bregoli, the "Cash Me Outside, How Bow Dah" girl N/A N/A
Danielle Weisberg 7.0 She can get it.
Delaney Targgaryen N/A N/A
Denise Odie Joseph II, Dinesh D'Souza's fmr. mistress 5.25 I'd do her, tbh.
Dishwasher Lady (Prime) 8.99
Dominika the Nuclear Power Plant Intern 8.99 Self-explanatory
Eboni K. Williams, the Fox News Aunt Jemima 6.49 Penalized for race.
Elizabeth Warren 2.5 Needs burka.
Elizabeth Nolan Brown 5.75
Ellison Barber 7.25 Down 10% from 2014 prime.
Emma DiGiovine, Jesse Watters fmr. mistress 6.99 Quintessential butterface.
Erin Burnett 6.75 Penalized for age (40's).
Erin Schrode, the liberal with a never ending list of grievances 6.49 Disturbingly deep voice.
Evgenia Medvedeva 9.0 That Sailor Moon outfit tho.
Gina Loudon 6.5 MILF.
Giselle Leon (Prime) 8.25
Gloria Allred 2.5 You know what? Would.
Gloria Borger 3.75
Haley Byrd 7.49 Would be so hot w/ woman's haircut.
Harris Faulkner 4.0 Penalized for race.
Heather Childers 6.25 She's like West Virginia hills folks' idea of what a hot chick looks like.
Heidi Cruz 4.0
Heidi Heitkamp 1.0 Needs burka.
Hillary Clinton 2.5 Disgusting.
Hillary Clinton (prime) 7.0
Hillary McLellan the Chick That Lied About Cancer 7.25
Hope Hicks 6.5 Beautiful from a great distance.
Hwang Mi Hee (Prime) 8.75 Hottest Asian chick to ever live.
Irin Carmon 6.75
Ivanka Trump 6.75 Penalized for age.
Ivanka Trump (Prime) 9.5
Jeanette Dousdebes Rubio, Marco Rubio's wife 5.75
Jedediah Bila 7.75 Penalized for age.
Jennifer Grossman, the fake libertarian 6.25 Absolute GGILF.
Jillian Kirk, the racist MSU student 7.5
Jo Marney, the Nazi 6.25 Has an old lady face.
Joy Behar 1.99 Needs burka.
Joy Reid (Joy Ann Reid) 2.25 Needs burka.
Julia Ioffe 6.75 Penalized for age.
Julie Mason 2.75 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Kacey Jordan (Ted Cruz controversy). 7.75 Bonus points for looking ~18.
Kaileigh Brandt 10.0 Not that hot, but genetically perfect.
Kaitlan Collins 6.5
Kamala Harris 4.99
Kanadajin3 (pre-Muslim conversion) 6.5 I'd do her.
Kasie Hunt 5.5
Kat Timpf 7.49
Kata Sarka, the Hungarian chick that Trump tried to bang. 7.5 +++ body, avg. face.
Kate Bouldan 6.5
Kate Upton (Prime) 9.0
Kathryn Limbaugh, Rush Limbaugh's wife 4.75
Katie Glueck 6.99 Bonus points for looking ~18.
Katie Lou Samuelson 6.5 Penalized for height.
Katie Nolan 7.0 Face is overrated.
Katie Packer, the flip-flopping RINO 2.75 Disgusting.
Katie Pavlich 6.5 Penalized for gigantism.
Katrina Pierson 6.0 Looks like an evil koala bear.
Katy Tur 6.75 Disturbingly unattractive without makeup.
Kaylee Moats, the Chick with No Vagina 7.25
Kayleigh McEnany 7.0 She looks like a sexy, retarded fish.
Kellyanne Conway 4.75 Facially repulsive.
Kim Yo-jong, Kim Jong-un's sister 2.99 Needs burka.
Kimberly Guilfoyle 6.5 Repulsive without makeup.
Kinga Duda 7.0 Basic bitch.
Kirsten Gillibrand 5.5
Kirsten Powers 5.5
Kristen Soltis Whatsherface 7.0
Kristen Stewart 8.25
Kristin Tate 7.99 Often overrated due to being surrounded by ugly old people.
Kristine Leahy 8.25 I dunno, she vascillates from 7.5 to 9.0.
Kyle Nolan, Eric Bolling's assistant 8.25 LTR material, but not hot per se.
Laci Green, the adorable feminazi 7.25 Chubbiness offset by implied promiscuity.
Laura Ingraham 6.25 Penalized for age (50's).
Laura Jayes, the reporter who broke the Turnbull-goofing-on-Trump story 6.5 + body, mediocre face.
Lauren Southern 6.49 Basic Bitch.
Lee Ann McAdoo 6.5 + boobs, mediocre face.
Lili Simmons 8.5 At first glance, easily a 9-- but her face looks jacked up under certain angles/lighting.
Liv Morgan 9.0
Liz Plank 6.5 Manly face offset by heavy use of feminine wiles.
Louise Linton, Steve Mnuchin's wife 6.49 Her angry ex-wife face is a turnoff.
Lyda Loudon 6.75
Maria Bartiromo 6.0 Penalized for age (50's).
Marianne Copenhaver, the Neocon Girl 6.49 Sexy hair and glasses conceal jacked up face.
Marilyn Monroe (Prime) 6.75 Basic bitch by today's standards.
Marsha Blackburn 5.0 Penalized for age (late 60's).
Martha MacCallum 5.25 Penalized for age (50's).
Meghan McCain 5.25 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Mélissa Theuriau circa 2005 10.0 Perfect 10 circa 2005.
Melania Trump 5.75 Beautiful from a great distance.
Megyn Kelly 6.75 Penalized for age (40's).
Michelle Fields 6.49 + body, mediocre face.
Michelle Malkin 4.25 She has to go back.
Michelle Obama 2.99
Michelle Runde 7.0 Cutest gainfully employed vegan ever.
Mika Brzezinski 5.49 I'd do her, tbh.
Mila Moire, the artist who lays eggs with her vagina (Prime) 8.49
Minka Kelly 8.99 She is as hot as you can humanly be without breaking 9.
Molly Line 5.75 Penalized for age (40's).
Monica Crowley 5.0 I think I'd rather do Marsha Blackburn, tbh.
Monica Lewinsky circa Clinton affair 5.75 I'd do her, tbh.
Nadya from Pussy Riot (Nadezhda Tolokonnikova) 6.25 Ugly face offset by heavy use of feminine wiles.
Nasim Aghdam 5.5 Penalized for age.
Natasha Bertrand 6.5 Really cute, but face has slight hint of Down syndrome.
Nancy Pelosi 2.00 Disgusting.
Natalia Lima, Ed Henry's fmr. mistress. 6.75 Older than photos would suggest.
Noor Tagouri, the Hottest Muslim 7.25
Norah O'Donnell (Prime) 8.25 LTR material.
Olivia Harlan 9.0
Paige, WWE superstar 6.75
Paige, WWE superstar (Prime) 8.99
Peyton List 8.49
Poppy Harlow 5.99 I don't get the appeal.
Rachel Maddow 4.5 I'd splooge on her, tbh.
Riley Reid 9.25
Ronna McDaniel, GOP Chairthing 3.0 Has Down syndrome face.
Roseanne Barr 1.75 Needs burka.
Salena Zito 1.99 Needs burka.
Sami Main 7.0 Bonus points for looking ~18.
Sammi Hanratty 8.75 Bonus points for looking ~18.
Sandra Smith 6.5 Penalized for age.
Sarah Tiana, the hypocritical comedian 6.49
Sarah Flores, Trump Propaganda Czar 5.99 Oh so close to being hot.
Sarah McDaniel, the model with retard eyes 9.49 A 10 but not a 10.
Sarah Huckabee 2.75 Disgusting.
Sarah Palin 5.75 Penalized for age (50's).
Sarah Palin (Prime) 6.99
SE Cupp 6.5 Manly jawline, fat arms.
Shannon Bream 6.75 Penalized for age (late 40's).
Simona Mangiante, George Papadopoulos' wife 6.5 Do not be fooled by the Instagram angles.
Shera Berchard (Prime) 8.0
Stephanie Ann Cook 8.75
Stormy Daniels circa when Trump smashed 7.5 Mediocre face.
Tamara Holder (Prime) 6.5 Submissive personality makes up for repulsive face.
Tara Palmieri 7.49 Classic marry her to get her off the market, then realize you've made terrible mistake.
Taylor Riggs 7.25 LTR material.
Tiffany Thompson, Ezekiel Elliot's ex 7.25
Tiffany Trump 7.25 Face has slight hint of Down syndrome, but bonus points for age.
Tomi Lahren 7.0 + body, angry ex-wife face.
Trish Regan 6.5 Penalized for age (late 40's).
Tulsi Gabbard 5.25 Looks like a giant eskimo w/ terrible skin..
Whoopi Goldberg 1.5 Needs burka.
Zoey Kush 8.5 Bonus points for looking ~18.